I hear you ask me question after question, but I know what you really want from me.* You want the truth? Here it is.
The truth is, I hate how you treat yourself. Let’s be honest here, you are an ass to yourself. You think you are worth nothing because of your mistakes, but you think it is hopeless because you think that making them means you’ll never be whole. You think they are all part of your legacy of stories and pain.
You think you deserved it, everything that has ever hurt you. You think pain is your punishment and without it, you are lost. So much so that when you start to feel lost, you inflict it on yourself as though it is a long-lost friend and you’ve missed it.
You think it is too late for you. You’ve believed the lies you’ve been fed by people who operate on fear instead of love. You believe that you are ugly, that you aren’t what you should be, that no one will love you this way, that no one will understand.
You tried to change yourself for them. You tried to change everything: your looks, your heart, your personality. You lost yourself drowning in a sea of impossible demands and still, they demanded more. They always demand more.
Their words told you that you weren’t enough and needed to change. Every step of the way, they took every opportunity to remind you of something that you are acutely aware of: you’ll never be enough for them. When they ran out of things to pick at, they made up flaws just so they could continue to put you down.
I hate it. I hate that those words sunk into your skin, made their home in your mind, and burrowed deep into your heart. Their words became the voice that spoke to you louder than anyone else ever could.
I hate it that you stopped trying to protect yourself. I hate that the people who should have protected you stood by and told you to take it. Because anything else is weakness, they said. You wanted to be strong, but they convinced you that you will never be because you couldn’t be what they wanted you to be.
Bullshit. They lied to you, to cover their asses. They are cowards. They are the weak ones. They allowed fear to consume them, and there is no room for love when fear is around.
You think you are too far gone, but I know you don’t totally believe it and I think you do too. You always hesitate to completely combust, always hanging on to the possibility that they were wrong about you.
In these moments, I want to grab your arm and shake you and tell you that you feel that way because despite everything that has happened, you are worth protecting, you are worth saving, and despite the fact that you don’t think so, you are a beautiful person. Nothing you say or do will change that.
You are priceless, precious, strong, amazing, and loved. Just because they never saw that doesn’t mean it isn’t true, in fact, I think it only proves it more. Evil attacks the brightest bearers of light: children. Not with demons and devils, but with the people who should never hurt us, the ones we should be able to trust unconditionally. I want to tell you all of this, but I stop myself.
It’s not my place, I tell myself. You might misunderstand me and my passion, I think. You might ask me why I care and leave me stuttering in disbelief that you would feel the need to ask that, and then what? But most of all, I stop myself because I am exactly like you. In fact, I should be you, but someone made it their mission in life to say to me everything I want to say to you until I believed it.
The truth is, I don’t think I’m the right person to tell you. I don’t think you’ll believe me. I’m not in the right position to be that person. But then I remember how precious time is and how far I’d fallen when God sent someone to me, just in time. I didn’t know how close I had come to giving up until I was being pulled towards the light and warmth of someone who shouldn’t have cared but did. It was weird, uncomfortable and more than a little bit crazy.
But it was worth it. Someone thought that I was worth it. They didn’t just think it, they said it. They meant it when they said it to me, and believe me when I say I mean it as I say it to you now: You are worth it. Maybe I’m not your right person, but I don’t want to be silent only to find out that I was and missed my cue.
Please, don’t take my word for it. Don’t put your worth in the words of those who hurt you, or even in mine. We will fail you and hurt you. There is someone who will always believe this about you, and I know you know who. He won’t hold what you’ve done against you, constantly tell you who you’ve hurt or disappointed (including yourself), or be angry if, heaven forbid, you have a moment of weakness. He will always love you, because you are His child and the only perfect Father we will have.
The truth is, I care because we aren’t that different, and we never have been. I don’t want to see what would have happened to me if I went down that road, but most of all, I don’t want to watch you hurt yourself. The pain you already bear propels you to do things you might not have otherwise. You carry a broken heart and bruised body that you don’t think could possibly get worse and if I’m honest, it hurts me to see you this way.
I’ll never stop waiting for you to come to believe the truth: You are a beautiful, worthy, strong, amazing person.
*This post was prompted by a dream and a conversation that took place within it.
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