When I was young, I lost almost all of my social circles and friends in a very abrupt and traumatic way. I didn’t get the same amount of socialization as most children to begin with because I was homeschooled, but these sudden events cut me off from everything and everyone I knew except for my family and church. I was very close to many of the people I lost during that time, and losing them wounded me deeply.
For a long while, I refused to accept that my status quo had changed. I fought to be reunited, not knowing if I would ever see any of my friends again. Without going into too much detail, I sank into one of the deepest depressions I’d ever been in.
Not only had I lost healthy, regular social interaction with people my age, but I had to cope with some very traumatic events that had accompanied it and the loss of the future I had hoped for. I held myself back, physically and emotionally stunting myself to try to preserve some semblance of everything that had been right before the world fell in around me.
My hope was that, if I could keep myself the same (physically via anorexia) as I had been when I had been separated from the people I loved, maybe it would bring that time back for us. Maybe I could remind us all of a time in which household drama and mental health problems hadn’t taken over our lives. It wasn’t logical, but not many things in my world were at that point.
At the same time, I told myself that my friends were fine. I told myself that their lives weren’t falling apart like I felt like mine was. There was no way that they, as good Christian people, would be having the problems with depression and horrible thoughts that I dealt with.
I thought they were too strong for that, so I tried to be strong too. I didn’t want to disappoint them. Most of them were older than me, and I constantly felt like I was playing catch-up to try to impress them by being on their level. I thought that my compromised mental health would set me back even further from truly being included.Continue Reading