Here is my latest contribution to Anne Cohen’s site. If you have ever worked how another blogger gets so much attention, this is the post for you!
When I was young, I lost almost all of my social circles and friends in a very abrupt and traumatic way. I didn’t get the same amount of socialization as most children to begin with because I was homeschooled, but these sudden events cut me off from everything and everyone I knew except for my family and church. I was very close to many of the people I lost during that time, and losing them wounded me deeply.
For a long while, I refused to accept that my status quo had changed. I fought to be reunited, not knowing if I would ever see any of my friends again. Without going into too much detail, I sank into one of the deepest depressions I’d ever been in.
Not only had I lost healthy, regular social interaction with people my age, but I had to cope with some very traumatic events that had accompanied it and the loss of the future I had hoped for. I held myself back, physically and emotionally stunting myself to try to preserve some semblance of everything that had been right before the world fell in around me.
My hope was that, if I could keep myself the same (physically via anorexia) as I had been when I had been separated from the people I loved, maybe it would bring that time back for us. Maybe I could remind us all of a time in which household drama and mental health problems hadn’t taken over our lives. It wasn’t logical, but not many things in my world were at that point.
At the same time, I told myself that my friends were fine. I told myself that their lives weren’t falling apart like I felt like mine was. There was no way that they, as good Christian people, would be having the problems with depression and horrible thoughts that I dealt with.
I thought they were too strong for that, so I tried to be strong too. I didn’t want to disappoint them. Most of them were older than me, and I constantly felt like I was playing catch-up to try to impress them by being on their level. I thought that my compromised mental health would set me back even further from truly being included.Continue Reading
My second article for Anne Cohen on how to turn a guy down. It’s filled with embarrassing stories from my youth, so go check it out!
The cabinet door gave a little squeak as it closed.
James had been quiet the whole way back to the cabin, and although the silence was uncomfortable, I felt like there was nothing I could say to break it.
We prepared a soup for lunch out of dehydrated potato soup mix, kidney beans, and chicken broth that was going to expire in a few months. I stirred the contents in a small pot on the stove as James sat at the kitchen table and stared out the window. His expression was resolutely serious.
He looked deep in thought and I hesitated to break the trance he held with the scenery outside the window to tell him lunch was ready. I quietly announced that food was ready as I set the spoon down on the decorative holder in the middle of the stove and James nodded in acknowledgment. He rose, bracing himself with his hands as he went.
I set aside two bowls and spoons on the counter and turned to face him as he walked over to me.
“Thank you.” His voice was deep and clear as he stood in front of me, his eyes meeting mine.Continue Reading
I just accepted a contributor position last night for Anne Cohen’s website. It’s a big change, but I’m excited! Here is my first article for her. <3
I named my grandma “Mamo” when I was two. The way my parents tell it, I called her up on the phone and started addressing her as such from that day on. My sister and cousins followed suit.
When my twin and I were little, she’d watch us while my parents were gone. She had a drawer full of candy that we tag teamed to wiggle open as toddlers. There was always fruit roll ups, huge lollipops and Ritz crackers for us to eat.
We went out to her house every Sunday after church. She cooked mashed potatoes and gravy for us and also kept cans of black olives for us to stick on our fingers and run around the house before eating.
Mamo gave us different types of candy that we used for medicine to play doctor (the innocent kind) with upstairs in my aunt’s room with her stethoscope. We had play syringes, thermometers and other instruments we’d occasionally insist on using on her.
When I was older, she’d come play outside with us. We’d sit on a blanket and eat baloney and mayonnaise sandwiches and play with puzzles. Sometimes she’d bring her extra wrist watch out with us and time me as I raced to and from the grain bin. She was still able to walk then and sometimes she’d race with me.
We spent the night with her and in the morning she’d make scrambled eggs and fried spam. She’d always tell us the same story about how she and her brothers slept on opposite directions on the bed and would constantly kick each other in the head.Continue Reading
“Are you ready for this?” James asked nervously.
I nodded silently, positioning my hand to open the document to the first page. My thoughts raced as I wondered what we’d learn from these documents. Had Silen told us the truth? What if he hadn’t told us everything? I still had so many questions…
A loud noise from outside startled us, causing me to drop the paper.
James jumped up and bolted for the door to investigate the noise. Had someone found us already? I followed behind him with worry, stopping at the doorsteps as he circled around the house.
The sound of metal clanking pierced the cold day from the side of the cabin and I heard James laugh heartily.
He emerged with a large metal trash can in hand, firmly holding the lid in place on top. I gave him a quizzical look, thankful that, from the looks of it, the noise seemed to be benign.
“I found lunch!” He teased as he cracked the lid open to reveal a scrawny looking raccoon, “Looks like he got himself stuck.”
“Eww!” I threw my hands in the air and let out a cry as I took in the raccoon’s matted hair and dark eyes, “I’m not eating that!”
“Why not?” James retorted, “It’s only fair! After all, I ate your macaroni…”
“Hey!” I said as I indignantly crossed my arms.
He grinned and started to open the lid further, pointing it in my direction.
“You wouldn’t dare.” I narrowed my eyes at him.Continue Reading
Hey there! 🙂
So in the last week, I’ve had a couple of people contact me out of the blue about various mental health questions. Because I’ve been very open on this blog and New Crunchy Mom about it, I guess I’ve built a reputation of knowing about these things and honestly I think that is great and I love helping others who struggle like I do/have.
There was one question I got that I thought might be helpful to address here on the blog and that was: Can you recommend any Anorexia recovery groups?
To answer that, in short, no I cannot.
I have tried a few different anorexia recovery groups, most of which were specifically Christian because that was important to me. I wanted to know that the encouragement that I was hoping to get from the groups was going to be bible-based.
After I joined the groups, there were three things that really stuck out to me and gave me some pause for concern.
#1. There was a lot of underlying pro-Ana discussions.
A lot of what I saw going on in these recovery groups was thinly veiled attempts at competition on who had it “worse”, who had lost the most weight, who had been in the most danger, and who was relapsing the worst. There were a lot of numbers thrown out, and pictures, and I honestly felt like it was doing more to encourage an eating disorder rather than to encourage recovery.Continue Reading
My toddler and I went grocery shopping tonight. I dressed him up in non-matching socks (his choice) and a dinosaur onesie before heading to pick out some clothes for myself. He trailed along behind me as I grabbed one of my favorite blue sweaters and an ankle-length skirt. It was an outfit that screamed “I used to be a homeschooler” but it was comfortable and I didn’t figure we’d be seeing anyone we knew anyways. I knew it would hide the bloating from my body trying to adjust to eating again after vomiting for a couple of days straight.
As I slipped it on, I realized I still hadn’t really gained any weight since falling ill last week. I had gained two or three pounds, but when I woke up this morning and weighed, I was back to a pound above my lowest weight since I got sick. I tugged at the sleeves, pulling them down as I took in how baggy it looked on me now. I told myself that at least I didn’t lose enough to be back in little girl size clothing.Continue Reading
Hey everyone! 🙂
I realize a significant time has passed since Halloween and everyone is currently fighting over the election, but I don’t really care. I have decided that today, I wanted to tell you about my Halloween costume!
Spoiler alert for Fairytail, you’ve been warned.
I think I actually might have traumatized a few people with my costume because 1. I’ve never had brightly colored hair and 2. I’ve never had a tattoo. I’ve always had plain brown hair and plain brown eyes (until recently but that is another story). I don’t even have any piercings and I don’t wear a lot of makeup or jewelry, so having blue hair and a tattoo was a huge change from my normal.Continue Reading