In my time of blogging, since August 2015, I’ve said a lot of things. After being reminded of how fragile life really is twice recently, it made me evaluate what is really important to me and look back on my content to see if I was saying what I really wanted to, and I wasn’t. In an entire year and eight months, out of three hundred posts, I’ve had ample opportunity to talk, but I could not find one in which I said exactly what I wanted to say and as much as I wanted to say. Because I was (and am) scared of the consequences. The domain change from my previous website was supposed to help me with that, but my anxiety from the previously anti-Christian crowd I ran in while pregnant still runs high.
I had friends then who believed I was on “their side” with many issues, but then later found out I was Christian. It was not a good situation and it still handicaps me mentally now to have dealt with such vehement anger and rage from people I had done nothing to. The only thing that had changed was that they found out I was Christian.
I have a lot of friends now who view me as a reasonable, maybe even intelligent person. But after this, they might not. And I have a lot of people who don’t like me (around here we call them fans, because they hate you but they can’t take their eyes off your Facebook timeline) think that I am a lot of things that I am not, and after this, they might not.
This video might change the relationships I am in, for better and for worse, but I’m done waiting and twiddling my thumbs in search of the right time and the perfect words. What people think of me is not important, not by a long shot. What is important is what I need to tell you, and it can’t wait.
I don’t care if you love me or hate me, if you read and watch everything I post or this is your first time. No matter who you are, I want you to see this.
My apologies in advance, there is a lot of crying.
I’ve talked about my experiences with anorexia a lot. In relation to the roots of it, the lessons learned and the weight lost. In fact, I have another 2000 word article that isn’t completed yet in draft about my latest struggles that I plan to add to the mix (I’m just not quite ready to share yet). But in keeping with the March challenge that Kitten invited me to join, I’d like to talk about it from a new angle: anorexia and femininity.
At first blush, it can be easy to see how femininity and anorexia are intertwined. Anorexia can include compulsions towards “feminine” ideals like hourglass figures and a desire to be “thin and pretty”.
In essence, anorexic women often desire to be more attractive, and often times desire characteristics (like the hourglass figure) that signal fertility in order to attract a man. But in the application of trying to achieve perfection, anorexia actually moves far, far away from these things. In the quest for the perfect hourglass figure, many of us emaciate ourselves to the point of inducing amenorrhea, a lack of menstrual cycle, making fertility chances rather low. While it seems counterintuitive, the disorder ushers us further, instead of focusing on our body’s warning signs.Continue Reading
This video is essentially about the problems I have with the phrase “You Don’t Look Anorexic”. I talk about how this is damaging to both women AND men who suffer from eating disorders and body image issues.
In this video, I wanted to lay out the things that are helping me in managing my anorexia currently and just talk about where I am at with it now.
Hey there! 🙂
So in the last week, I’ve had a couple of people contact me out of the blue about various mental health questions. Because I’ve been very open on this blog and New Crunchy Mom about it, I guess I’ve built a reputation of knowing about these things and honestly I think that is great and I love helping others who struggle like I do/have.
There was one question I got that I thought might be helpful to address here on the blog and that was: Can you recommend any Anorexia recovery groups?
To answer that, in short, no I cannot.
I have tried a few different anorexia recovery groups, most of which were specifically Christian because that was important to me. I wanted to know that the encouragement that I was hoping to get from the groups was going to be bible-based.
After I joined the groups, there were three things that really stuck out to me and gave me some pause for concern.
#1. There was a lot of underlying pro-Ana discussions.
A lot of what I saw going on in these recovery groups was thinly veiled attempts at competition on who had it “worse”, who had lost the most weight, who had been in the most danger, and who was relapsing the worst. There were a lot of numbers thrown out, and pictures, and I honestly felt like it was doing more to encourage an eating disorder rather than to encourage recovery.Continue Reading
My toddler and I went grocery shopping tonight. I dressed him up in non-matching socks (his choice) and a dinosaur onesie before heading to pick out some clothes for myself. He trailed along behind me as I grabbed one of my favorite blue sweaters and an ankle-length skirt. It was an outfit that screamed “I used to be a homeschooler” but it was comfortable and I didn’t figure we’d be seeing anyone we knew anyways. I knew it would hide the bloating from my body trying to adjust to eating again after vomiting for a couple of days straight.
As I slipped it on, I realized I still hadn’t really gained any weight since falling ill last week. I had gained two or three pounds, but when I woke up this morning and weighed, I was back to a pound above my lowest weight since I got sick. I tugged at the sleeves, pulling them down as I took in how baggy it looked on me now. I told myself that at least I didn’t lose enough to be back in little girl size clothing.Continue Reading
Over the years I’ve heard a lot of people complain about losing the “last five pounds” that they think is keeping them from their ideal body weight. Generally, when you are trying to lose weight, you will hit a plateau and weigh a little bit above what your target weight was. A lot of people are frustrated and discouraged by this, and as a result, there have been countless products (shakes, diet pills, workout programs, etc) marketed to help them. A quick google search shows dozens of “how-to” articles to get rid of the unwanted last five pounds.
A lot of people think that these last five pounds are a problem. I’d honestly never given it much thought considering I was able to drop as much weight as I wanted during my worst period of anorexia. Even after my son was born, I didn’t think much of whether or not my fat storages fluctuated, because I was nursing him and they were there to help me out.
Last month, my toddler and I got some kind of bug. He vomited twice, had some diarrhea and acted totally normal. It landed me in 36 hours of excruciating abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting. Within those 36 hours, I vomited three times – everything I ate and drank. I couldn’t even get up off of the couch or the bed without wondering if I would pass out.Continue Reading