In my time of blogging, since August 2015, I’ve said a lot of things. After being reminded of how fragile life really is twice recently, it made me evaluate what is really important to me and look back on my content to see if I was saying what I really wanted to, and I wasn’t. In an entire year and eight months, out of three hundred posts, I’ve had ample opportunity to talk, but I could not find one in which I said exactly what I wanted to say and as much as I wanted to say. Because I was (and am) scared of the consequences. The domain change from my previous website was supposed to help me with that, but my anxiety from the previously anti-Christian crowd I ran in while pregnant still runs high.
I had friends then who believed I was on “their side” with many issues, but then later found out I was Christian. It was not a good situation and it still handicaps me mentally now to have dealt with such vehement anger and rage from people I had done nothing to. The only thing that had changed was that they found out I was Christian.
I have a lot of friends now who view me as a reasonable, maybe even intelligent person. But after this, they might not. And I have a lot of people who don’t like me (around here we call them fans, because they hate you but they can’t take their eyes off your Facebook timeline) think that I am a lot of things that I am not, and after this, they might not.
This video might change the relationships I am in, for better and for worse, but I’m done waiting and twiddling my thumbs in search of the right time and the perfect words. What people think of me is not important, not by a long shot. What is important is what I need to tell you, and it can’t wait.
I don’t care if you love me or hate me, if you read and watch everything I post or this is your first time. No matter who you are, I want you to see this.
My apologies in advance, there is a lot of crying.
I hear you ask me question after question, but I know what you really want from me.* You want the truth? Here it is.
The truth is, I hate how you treat yourself. Let’s be honest here, you are an ass to yourself. You think you are worth nothing because of your mistakes, but you think it is hopeless because you think that making them means you’ll never be whole. You think they are all part of your legacy of stories and pain.
You think you deserved it, everything that has ever hurt you. You think pain is your punishment and without it, you are lost. So much so that when you start to feel lost, you inflict it on yourself as though it is a long-lost friend and you’ve missed it.Continue Reading